A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Spanish, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

An aspiring author comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.

“It was terrible,” she sobs. “I was cooking when the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove catching fire. The house went up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is—”

“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” the man says. “My agent called?”

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

A writer dies and is given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decides to check out each place first. As the writer descends into the fiery pits, she sees row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they work, they are repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

“Yikes,” the writer says. “Let me see heaven now.”

A few moments later, as she ascends into heaven, she sees rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they work, they, too, are whipped with thorny lashes.

“Wait a minute,” says the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”

“No, it’s not,” replies a voice. “Here, your work gets published.”

Q: What do you call Santa’s Helpers?

A: Subordinate Clauses.

Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax time?

A: A dependent Claus.

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

Three men: an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumble upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says “Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish.”

The photographer goes first. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in the Virgin Islands with no more worries.” The genie grants him his wish and sends him off to a beach-side paradise.

The journalist goes next. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no more worries.” The genie grants him his wish and sends him off to Europe.

Last but not least, it’s the editor’s turn. “And what would your wish be?” asks the genie.

“I want them both back after lunch,” replies the editor, “the deadline for tomorrow’s newspaper is in ten hours.”